


You Don't Have to Love Me

by MyGoldenEyes



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, Fluff, M/M, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-necklaces, dates and fluff, kinda slow burn, pining!jared, super gay, update schedule, whole thing is already written, will be posted through the summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-03 00:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10955997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGoldenEyes/pseuds/MyGoldenEyes
Summary: You are given a necklace at birth. It will glow when it's next to your soulmates necklace.Connor never wore his necklace until his mother forced him on the first day of school. This leads to the discovery that a boy he has been going to school with for ages is his soulmate.Still, they don't HAVE to love each other. But maybe, just maybe, they want to.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor Murphy did not believe in love. He hadn’t for a long time. Of course there was a time when he was like everyone else. He wore his soulmate necklace everywhere all the time. But that time was gone. He’d realized in about second grade that no one would ever love him so there was no point. Today was no different than any other in this aspect, at least in his mind. His mother however, had different thoughts. 

“Honey! It’s your first day of senior year! You have to wear it,” Cynthia Murphy followed Connor up the stairs after breakfast, imploring him to wear the necklace. Connor groaned and rolled his eyes. Still, his mother persisted. 

“Fine!” He exclaimed, sliding his necklace into his bag before pushing past her through the door. 

He sat in his car, waiting for his sister Zoe impatiently. He honked the horn a few times before a very annoyed Zoe plopped down in the passenger seat. 

“What the hell has got you in such a hurry?” Connor didn’t bother with a response as he pulled out of the driveway and began to drive to school. 

The morning would have been uneventful if not for Jared Kleinman. Connor had found himself in a somewhat bearable mood before Jared had waltzed in with his school shooter jokes. Then it had taken an even darker turn when Connor had taken out his anger on some pathetic kid. 

“What is your problem Connor?” Connor tried his best to ignore Zoe as he grabbed his books for his next class out of his locker, “You have to apologize to Evan,” so that was the kid’s name, “And just for once wear the necklace. It’s not going to hurt anyone!” 

As Zoe was saying this she slipped the necklace over Connor’s head. Connor looked down at it then thought about Zoe’s words. It could definitely hurt someone it would hurt the poor soul that got stuck with him as a soulmate. But Connor couldn’t be bothered to take the stupid thing off. 

Connor thought it would be for the best if he apologized to the Evan kid, Evan really hadn’t done anything. So Connor found himself walking into the computer lab during his lunch period after looking through the rest of the school. Connor was relieved to finally find Evan after searching most of the rest of the school, but Evan seemed a little on edge. He had been typing something and was just turning around as Connor approached. 

“Hey-” Connor started, walking towards Evan. But he was cut off by Evan’s necklace beginning to glow. He looked around for a few moments, trying to see what girl was lucky enough to be this kids soulmate when he realized he was the only other person there. It was then that he looked down at his own necklace. It was glowing too.   
Connor didn’t know what to do. He just stared up at Evan who seemed to be frozen in shock. He didn’t have to wait too long before the silence was broken by none other than Jared Kleinman. 

“Thought I’d find you here- hey, you’re necklace is…” Jared trailed off as he stepped up along the side of Connor and realized exactly what was going on. He wasn’t at a loss for words for to long though, “Real beauty and the beast thing we got going on here,” he said this with a surprisingly forced smile and while pointing between the two. 

Connor couldn’t handle any of it anymore. He turned on his heel and started to hurry out of the lab. He heard Evan try to follow him but when he looked back he saw that Jared had stopped him and was now saying something to him. Probably something about how dangerous Connor was and about how Evan should stay away from him. Connor didn’t want to care.


	2. Chapter 2: Evan

Evan Hansen had a soulmate. Something he had been waiting for his whole life. Evan had worn his necklace everyday in hope that he would meet that special someone, and he just had. But that special someone had run away. 

In all honesty it didn’t surprise Evan. He’d always known that no one would ever really care from him. It was just that running was a little excessive. But a new day was dawning and Evan was determined to be a good soulmate. This desire drove him to wait outside the school entrance that morning until he saw Connor walking up the front steps. 

As soon as Connor saw Evan he started to turn around, but Evan caught up to him. He didn’t know why he was being so pushy with this, maybe it was the idea of someone destined to love you. 

“Hi um.. Connor. I’m, um, I’m Evan and um… We-we’re soulmates?” Evan didn’t know why that came out as a question. Both Connor and Evan knew, “I was um wondering if we could exchange numbers or something so that we could um… sorry” 

Throughout his rambling, Evan had been pulling at the hem of his navy blue shirt nervously. He didn’t want Connor to dislike him, he couldn’t screw this up. But with every word that came out of his mouth it seemed more and more like that’s exactly what he was doing. Connor looked down at him with something Evan assumed to be disgust. 

To Evan’s surprise, Connor agreed to the exchanging of contact information, but he decided that email would be better. He had Evan give him his email as he jotted it down in his phones notes. He told Evan his own email but Evan didn’t have anyway to get it down so Connor just promised to email him after school. Evan smiled brightly at this and made his way to class. 

Evan Hansen had a soulmate, and that soulmate wanted to talk to him. 

“So, how are things going with your freaky boyfriend?” Evan jumped as Jared’s voice 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Jared just rolled his eyes at Evan’s less than convincing response. 

“He may not be yet but that doesn’t mean you don’t want him to be,” Evan remained silent and Jared seemed slightly more annoyed than usual, “Whatever, we have to get to class dude,” 

Evan followed his almost friend silently.


	3. He hated them whoever they were

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could always follow me on tumblr for more writing 
> 
> @autisticauthorgabs

Jared Kleinman hated his soulmate. He didn’t care who they ended up being, he hated them. He mostly hated the fact that they weren’t Evan Hansen. As soon as he realized how he felt about Evan, he had started to wish that neither of their necklaces were every going to glow, it happened. Some people didn’t have soulmates or they just never met. 

That’s what Jared was hoping for. But just a day ago all of his hopes were shattered when he walked in to see Evan’s necklace glowing for none other than Connor Murphy. Connor Murphy, the school psycho, Connor Murphy, that hated everyone, Connor Murphy, that destroyed everything he touched. Connor Murphy who would never be able to love Evan the way Jared did. 

Connor didn’t deserve Evan, Jared knew that. His suspicions were only confirmed when he swung by Evan’s house and found him crying in his room. As soon as Jared saw Evan, curled up on his bed weeping, he dropped his a**hole attitude and dropped down to his friend’s side. 

“Evan, what’s wrong? What happened?” Jared tried to reach out and put a comforting hand on Evan’s shoulder but Evan shied away from his touch. 

“Why do you even care? You just want brownie points from your mom so you can get a new game or something,” Evan’s words cut Jared pretty deep. It was true that he alway joked about getting benefits from being Evan’s friend, but that wasn’t really how it worked. Jared just tried to distance himself with humor, and it had backfired as it alway did. 

“You know what? I do care, I care about you a lot Evan. If it helps, I won’t even tell my mom about this. Now tell me what the hell is wrong!” Evan looked up at this. His eyes were full of shock and for a moment tears stopped falling. Then he looked away. He sat up and started to fidget with his hands. Jared had always found this adorable. What the action meant for Evan’s mental state, the fact that when he did this Jared knew a million negative thoughts were flitting through his head, now that wasn’t adorable. But in an objective way, the action was pretty cute. 

“It’s- it’s,” Evan mumbled something that sounded too much like ‘Connor’ for Jared’s comfort. 

“Did you just say Connor did something to you, cause I swear I’ll kill him!” Jared was giving away too much of his true feelings, he could see it in the confused way Evan reacted, so he decided to pull back slightly, “I mean um.. Doesn’t surprise me, he’s such a jerk,” 

Evan sniffled slightly and rubbed the sleeves of the jacket he was wearing against his eyes, trying to dry tears but only succeeding in smearing them across his face, “It’s not Connor’s fault. It’s mine. I’m such a bad soulmate. I’m so clingy and awful. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me..” 

Evan’s tears started again, but this time he accepted Jared’s touch. Jared pulled Evan into an embrace. He could feel Evan shaking slightly against him and it made him sick. That was the moment he made a very stupid decision. He was going to win over Evan. Who cares that Evan had a soulmate? Jared was clearly better for him. 

But at that moment, Jared wasn’t who Evan needed. Evan needed Connor, so that’s what Jared was going to do. Jared stood up and his heart almost broke at the pathetic needy look Evan gave him. It took every single ounce of self control he had not to sink back down and pull Evan into his arms again. 

“I’ll be right back,” Then he was out the door and running to his car. 

Jared was fuming the whole car ride. He couldn’t stand the fact that Connor had just come into Evan’s life and already he could hurt Evan this much. What was going to happen when they got closer and Connor actually did something? What was going to happen when it wasn’t just Evan’s anxiety, when it really was Connor? 

It wasn’t long before Jared was pulling into the Murphy’s driveway. He stormed up to the door then tried to compose himself before ringing the doorbell. 

Mrs. Murphy answered the door with a very surprised expression, “Are you here to see Zoe?” she asked in a very confused tone. Jared shook his head. 

“I’m here for Connor,” Mrs. Murphy’s face lit up at this and she called up to Connor, telling him that a friend was there to see him. 

To Jared’s great surprise, Connor came bounding down the stairs with something that could have been a smile, or whatever passed for a smile with Connor. 

“Ev-” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Jared, “You’re not my friend, get out of here,” 

Mrs. Murphy scowled at her son, “Don’t talk to your friends like that Connor!” 

Connor pushed past her and backed Jared onto the porch, closing the door in his mother’s face. 

“I don’t care if you’re friends with my soulmate. I still hate you,” Jared laughed but instead of his normal cackle it was a more solemn and bitter laugh. 

“Don’t worry buddy, I still hate you too. But for some strange reason Evan doesn’t. For some ever reason he seems to care about what you think of him. Now I know you’re terrible but Evan doesn’t get that yet so he’s a mess. He just wants you to talk to him dude. I know you’re this huge loner or whatever but Evan’s not and he’s beating himself up about it. So here’s what’s going to happen, you’re going to get in my care and go over there and you are going to tell Evan just how amazing he is. I’d do it myself but he needs to hear it from you,” 

Connor looked dumbfounded, “He’s upset about me?” Jared nodded and started walking towards his car, Connor followed. 

As they sat down in the car and Jared started it Connor muttered something. 

“Huh,” said Jared, looking up. 

“Why do you care so much?” this wasn’t a bitter accusation, it was just an innocent and small question. Still Jared got defensive. 

“Because I’m going to win over your soulmate,” 

The rest of the car ride was silent.


	4. Chapter 4: Promises

Connor’s head was spinning with all of the information he had just been given. Evan actually cared about him enough that his distance bothered Evan. He had actually been excited when he thought that Evan was coming to visit him. Then there was the fact that Jared Kleinman was in love with his soulmate. Connor wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about that, but it was definitely a negative feeling. 

The car ride was uncomfortably silent. Jared seemed to be slowly coming down from whatever adrenaline high he had been on and he seemed more insecure. It was clear he regretted how much he had told Connor. But Connor didn’t care. All he could think about was Evan. Poor, sweet Evan who Jared said was a complete mess because he thought he was being a bad friend. 

Connor hated himself for that. He knew it was all his fault, but how could he convince Evan that? What was he supposed to do when the car stopped? He didn’t have to ponder this too long because the car did stop. Jared stopped right outside of the Hansen house, not even pulling into the driveway. 

“Get out,” Jared’s voice was a low growl. It was very evident that he was doing this against his better judgment but it was admirable that he was trying to do what he thought Evan needed, Connor didn’t like that. 

Connor stepped out of the care and carefully walked to the door. He knocked softly, too softly. But still the door began to open, it revealed a puffy eyed Evan Hansen. Evan’s face lit up as soon as he saw Connor but it quickly fell again. Connor wasn’t used to someone being happy to see him, even if it only lasted a few seconds. 

“A-are you mad at me?” Evan’s voice was weak and pitiful, it made part of Connor want to cry and another part of him just pull Evan into his arms and make sure he was never alone again. 

“No! Of course not. I’m just an antisocial prick” Evan winced slightly as Connor insulted himself. Connor made a mental note to try not to do that as much, “Can I come in,” 

Evan nodded slightly, wiping tears from his eyes with his sleeves. Connor followed Evan into the house then back to Evan’s bedroom. Evan perched himself on his bed against the corner of the room. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. In that moment he looked so small even though he was barely any smaller than Connor. It just looked like he was collapsing in on himself. 

Connor took a seat on the end of the bed and scooted slightly closer, when Evan didn’t flinch away he got even closer. 

“What do you need me to do?” Connor was at a complete loss as to what to do in this situation. Then Evan looked up at him and held his arms like a small child, Connor couldn’t say no to a child. So Connor reached down and pulled Evan into a hug. 

“I’m sorry,” Evan murmured into Connor’s chest. There was no reason for Evan to be apologizing, but Connor didn’t need to point that out, it wouldn’t help. Instead he just told Evan everything would be ok and rubbed calming circles into his back. 

“You’re not mad at me?” Evan’s voice was so soft Connor could have pretended not to notice, it seemed like that’s what Evan wanted him to do. But Connor wouldn’t. Instead he pulled back slightly and looked Evan straight in the eyes. 

“No. Never,” his voice was firm and it seemed to calm Evan slightly. Evan fell back into Connor’s chest and pulled Connor closer to him. Connor felt something unfamiliar bubble up in his chest as he sat with Evan clinging to him, it was a feeling he couldn’t quite place but he liked it. 

“Do you want to go on a date?” Connor blurted this out without thinking. Evan looked up at Connor with a skeptical expression. 

“You’re joking right?” Connor laughed at Evan’s response and shook his head. A bright smile started to light up Evan’s face, it was just like the smile Connor had seen when Evan first opened the door, “What do you want to do?” 

So there they were, Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen, planning their first date. As Evan beamed up at Connor, Connor couldn’t help but think one thought. 

Take that Kleinman


	5. Chapter 5: A date

Evan Hansen was bristling with gleeful energy. He was going on a date with his soulmate. He didn’t think he could be any happier. The fact that Jared had been so kind to him the day before was adding to his mood. 

Evan had woken very early that sunday morning, his mother was out with some friends for once so he was alone in the house. He’d spend almost an hour trying to decide what to wear before settling on almost the same outfit he’d had on when he first bumped into Connor. Now he was sitting and playing with the hem of his shirt while he waited for Connor to come pick him up. 

It suddenly struck him how pathetic he actually was since he was seventeen and he still couldn’t drive. Connor shouldn’t have had to go out of his way to come and get Evan, he was such an inconvenience. Evan lifted his good hand to his hair and raked his fingers through it, messing up the way he had half styled it earlier. Evan didn’t want to be a bother to Connor. He should just call off the date. 

So many things could go wrong on a date. What if Connor offered to pay and Evan was too afraid to argue? What if Evan tried to order something and made a fool of himself? What if Evan had a panic attack and Connor had to comfort him again? Evan hated himself. He hated his anxiety and he hated the fact that poor Connor was stuck with him as a soulmate. He hoped Connor figured out how horrible Evan was and that he just moved on to someone better. Evan didn’t deserve Connor, Evan didn’t deserve anyone. 

These thoughts continued for almost an hour before the doorbell rang. Evan shakily stood up and walked to the door, he opened it cautiously. Connor stood on the porch, looking off to the side, hands in pockets. When Evan opened the door fully, Connor looked over at him. Connor’s lips turned up slightly at the sides and Evan felt himself blush. 

“Your hair’s a mess,” Evan looked up as if he could somehow see his hair then brought his hand up to attempt to fix it. When this obviously failed Connor reached out and lightly brushed Evan’s hair to the side, fixing it, “Don’t worry about it, you look adorable no matter what,” Connor said this with a wink and Evan stared at his feet bashfully. 

“Where are we going,” Evan said while following Connor to his car. Connor opened the passenger side door for Evan and leaned on it slightly. 

“I was thinking this diner, it’s about an hour round trip, but it’s totally worth it,” Evan wanted to cry. Diner meant he would have to order food, which meant so many things would go wrong. But Evan, not wanting to disagree with Connor just nodded his head with what he hoped was a cheerful expression. 

The care ride was quiet at first, Evan was too afraid to speak and Connor seemed to have no interest in starting conversation. Finally Evan noticed a CD sitting up on the dashboard and he reached out to grab it. 

“Why do you have a physical copy of the Harry Potter score?” Evan said this without thinking, “I didn’t mean- I mean… Um it’s just-” 

Connor laughed slightly and effectively cut Evan off, “I just really like music, but I don’t listen to a lot of things with singing. Movie scores are pretty good, they have lots of emotion,” Though Connor’s words were slightly jumbled and a little awkward, he said them so confidently Evan couldn’t help but marvel. 

“Can we listen to it?” Connor shrugged and reached over to pull the case out of Evan’s hand. Evan pulled it just out of his reach and Connor shot him a confused look. 

“I’ll do it, you’re driving!” This was the first time Evan managed to say something confidently to Connor and he was very proud of himself. Connor seemed to be impressed as well, he raised one eyebrow then leaned back into his seat, eyes going back to the road. 

Evan put the disc in and pressed a button he hoped would start the disc. For once in his life his first guess was right. The car filled with the soft twinkling of the score from the first Harry Potter movie. The two boys remained silent, just listening to the music and enjoying each other’s company. 

The diner was very small, if Evan had been driving he would have missed it. Luckily Connor was driving so he pulled into the parking lot of a bank across the street from the diner and parked the car. Before Evan was even able to get his seatbelt undone Connor was on the other side of the car opening the door for him. Evan smiled brightly at Connor and slipped out of the car. 

Almost no one was in the diner. It was an odd hour to be eating anyways. There were a few scragglers finishing breakfast and two boys who also appeared to be on a lunch date. 

“Dude, we’re going to beat that level when we get back I just know it!,” One boy said enthusiastically to the other. The boy who had just spoken had dark hair and thick glasses, he was wearing a read sweatshirt with a gay pride patch on the sleeve. He was holding the other boy’s hands over the table and smiling at him. 

The other boy looked anxious like Evan, he was tall and lanky and he wore a blue sweater over a striped shirt. He glanced around at the other people in the diner, none of which were looking at him and then looked back to the dark haired boy, “Michael! Keep your voice down. You don’t want to bother anyone else!” The boy, Michael just laughed and leaned across the table to kiss the other on the nose. Evan thought they looked cute, that’s when he looked back at Connor and realized their hands were still interlocked. 

Evan nervously pulled his hand away and wiped it on his khakis. His sweaty hands must have been bothering Connor. This was quickly disproven as Evan looked up at Connor to see that he was very disappointed, Evan immediately regretted pulling away but Connor didn’t push it. They sat themselves in a booth and were immediately handed a menu by a sickeningly sweet waiter. 

The waiter took their drink orders. When he asked Evan what he would like Connor leaned over and let Evan whisper it into his ear then relayed it to the waiter. Evan felt a slight flutter in his heart, no one was ever this nice to him. Before the waiter left he sent a wink Connor’s way and the nice feelings in Evan’s chest went away. 

They both looked at the menu quietly until Connor informed Evan what he was getting and asked what Evan wanted to order. Evan told him and Connor flagged down the waiter and ordered for the both of them. Evan was smitten all over again. 

After their food came the food sat and talked. They talked about all sorts of things. Evan told Connor about how he sometimes felt like he was too much of a burden on his mom and Connor told Evan about how he fought with his sister. Evan didn’t know how their initial light hearted conversation turned to such deep topics but still Evan couldn’t help but feel safe with Connor. He told Connor things he’d never told anyone. 

By the time the waiter came with the bill Evan felt considerably closer to Connor. Maybe this soulmate thing would work out after all. 

“I hope you enjoyed the meal,” the waiter smiled brightly but just at Connor, then he not so discreetly set his number on the table. Evan let out a small strangled noise and the waiter looked over at him, “Wait, you two on a date?” 

Connor silently reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his necklace, as soon as it was up close enough it began to glow. The waiter apologized and Connor laughed slightly. After the waiter left he turned to Evan. 

“Jealous?” He asked this with a playful glint in his eye, still Evan became a blushing mess. He stuttered out something that was supposed to be ‘no’ but sounded more like a jumbled mess of words that clearly meant yes.


	6. Chapter Six: An Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now they know

Connor would never admit is but he really loved spending time with Evan. Evan was a really sweet kid though he had a tendency to lie. During their conversation Connor had caught him lying for no apparent reason several times. As soon as Connor called him on it he apologized several times and looked like he was about to cry. 

As Connor pondered this in the car on the way to school he thought that it might have been an anxiety thing. He’d have to learn how to pick the lies out if this was going to work. As he thought this he realized just how much he really did want it to work. It was entirely possible that Connor Murphy was falling for Evan Hansen. 

“What’s wrong with you,” Zoe very rudely interrupted Connor’s daydreaming about Evan with her question. Connor glanced at her for a moment before looking back at the road. 

“Like really what the hell? You’ve actually been driving like a normal person, I don’t fear for my life. Not to mention you haven’t even insulted me this morning. If I didn’t know you were completely dead inside I’d think something was wrong,” 

Connor had been driving slightly more cautiously than he normally would have. He was still thinking about Evan sitting in the passenger seat. Evan looked so scared all the time that he had toned back his recklessness, now it was just kind of sticking. 

After Connor remained very silent for several moments Zoe just scoffed and dropped it. So much for trying to care about Connor. Normally Connor would find himself very angered by this but he couldn’t bring himself to anger when in just a few moments he would get to see the first friend he’d had in a long time. 

Connor’s mood was soaring as he walked through the halls though it immediately dropped when he spotted Evan talking to Jared. He was reminded of Jared’s words. Jared didn’t think that Connor was good enough for Evan, honestly Connor didn’t either but that didn’t keep him from disliking Jared. Jared had his arm draped over a clearly uncomfortable Evan. Connor walked up and sort of pushed Jared off of Evan then took his place. 

“Gah- oh so it’s just you. Getting Jealous are we?” Jared’s voice held a playful tone but the look in his eyes as he glared at Connor told a different story. 

Evan had become a blushing mess and Connor quickly dropped his arm and stepped back. He didn’t want Evan to be embarrassed, though the idea that he embarrassed Evan made his heart break a tiny bit. 

Connor started to reach into his bag, “Evan, you left your wallet in my car after our date,” At the last word Connor shot a glare and smirk at Jared. 

“You two went on a date?” Jared momentarily let a bit of his real emotion out in the shock of this new information. Evan nodded slightly looking down at his feet and blushing furiously. God was he adorable when he did that. Jared seemed to think so too as a slight blush crept over his cheeks as well. Connor patted him on the back, using much more force than would be used in a friendly pat. 

“We are soulmates after all, is it that much of a surprise?” Connor emphasized soulmates. His attention was drawn away from gloating when he realized that there was something at his feet. He leaned down and grabbed his necklace, he must have left it there from their date, Connor just shrugged and moved to put it back in his bag when it started glowing. 

The eyes of the entire student body were drawn to the two boys. Evan froze. He looked like a deer in headlights and Connor could tell that he was about to have a panic attack. He quickly shoved the necklace back into the bag then looked out at everyone. 

“What are you looking at?” He spat and everyone went back to their own business. He reached out and grabbed Evan’s arm then started to lead him to the nearest bathroom. Connor mumbled anything he could to Evan that he thought might calm him. 

“It’s ok Evan. No one was looking at you, everyone knew that you were going to have a soulmate, you’re amazing. They were just surprised. If a single person bothers you about it they’ll have to answer to me. Everything is going to be fine. Just breathe. Come on, do what I do, in, out, yes just like that.” 

Connor sat Evan down on the grimy tiled floor of the school bathroom and rubbed his arm slightly while he worked him through the panic attack. Finally he found the sentence that snapped Evan back to reality. 

“If you want you can just tell everyone that you aren’t going to date me, that you’ll find someone else and that you rejected me,” 

Evan looked up at Connor and blinked away several tears, “No, no! I d-don’t c-care if every-everyone knows. It’s- it’s just everyone wa-was staring and then I-I j-just I couldn’t,” Another round of sobs shook Evan’s small frame. 

Connor opened his arms slightly, giving Evan the option of touch. Evan quickly grabbed the front of his hoodie and pulled Connor to himself. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan and held him as close as he could. Evan smelled like honey and a hint of birch and dirt. Not a bad dirt smell just sort of earthy, it was calming to Connor. 

Lord he was falling for this kid hard. 

After Evan collected himself Connor lead him to his first then turned to leave. He was going to skip a few days for Evan’s sake. If he wasn’t there the gossip would die down. Evan didn’t need to be seen with him for the rest of the week. As much as he hated it he knew that Jared would be able to handle anyone that tried to harass Evan. 

So Connor left.


	7. Chapter 7: He was Gone

“Well that was one way to come out to the whole school. You have it easy, I just had to tell everyone,” Jared spoke to Evan, laughing slightly at the whole situation. 

Evan and Jared were currently at lunch, a few people would throw Evan a glance and there had been some murmurs but luckily no one had tried to talk to Evan yet. Evan hadn’t seen Connor since he’d dropped Evan off at their first class. Evan was slightly worried, he half listened while Jared talked about some new video game he had. But most of Evan’s focus was on his phone. 

When Connor hadn’t showed up at lunch Evan had texted him and he had yet to receive a response. Evan opened his phone again and looked at the text he had sent. 

Evan: Where are you? 

“Seriously dude how much do you like this guy you just met him! You don’t have to date him just because you’re soulmates or whatever,” Jared’s voice had lost all of it’s usual joking manner though as soon as Evan looked up Jared tried to play it off as a joke. 

“I’m just worried. I was so busy having a dang panic attack that I didn’t even check to see if he was ok,” Evan looked down at his lap and pulled on the front of his shirt with his good hand. He didn’t know exactly how he felt about Connor but he knew that he cared for him. They were friends at the very least and he needed to make sure that Connor was ok. 

“You need to get your mind off of it bro,” Jared pulled Evan’s phone out of his hand and pocketed it, “I say that you spend the night at my house on Friday,” 

This surprised Evan, Jared seemed to sincerely want to spend time with Evan and Evan didn’t know how to feel about it. Still he agreed. Jared spent the day trying to cheer Evan up and it kind of worked. 

 

Tuesday :   
Evan(9:34): I don’t see you here, are you skipping again?  
Evan: That’s fine it’s just I want to know where you are 

Evan(11:45): You still aren’t here. I guess you’re skipping   
Evan: Are you mad at me?   
Evan: I’m really sorry

Evan(10:14): Goodnight, I hope you’re ok

Wednesday:   
Evan(8:47): I don’t think you’ll come today   
Evan: Jared keeps making jokes about how he thinks you…  
Evan: Please be ok…

Evan(12:05): It’s lunch again, Jared had to go take a test, I’m all alone.   
Evan: Zoe came and talked to me, she says you won’t leave your room   
Evan: Did I do something?   
Evan: Please just respond  
Evan: Really, I need to make sure you’re ok. Zoe seemed worried.   
Evan: Connor, Zoe really cares about you...she just doesn’t know how to say it   
Evan: I really care about you 

Thursday:   
Evan(6:00): I’m just assuming that you’re skipping school. That’s fine, you don’t need to be at school, but please talk to me, something. I really miss you. 

Evan(8:57): Jared is sick today, I’m going to be all alone…

Evan(12:13): I know it’s not your problem but I kind of had to lock myself into the bathroom. People kept asking about us and I just didn’t know what to say, I’m so sorry. I’m such a lousy soulmate. 

 

Friday:   
Evan(3:00): I’m going to Jared’s house so I won’t be bugging you tonight...


	8. Chapter 8: While He Was Gone

It took a lot of willpower to resist going back the next day but Connor was sure it was the best thing for Evan. Connor would do anything for Evan. He didn’t really know when it had happened but suddenly Connor was undeniably in love with Evan Hansen. 

As soon as Connor got home he locked himself in his room. He would just sit there and wait out the week. Maybe he could watch some TV shows or read a book or something. His first instinct was to get high, but there was more of a chance that he would go back to Evan if he was high and that couldn’t happen. 

Man the next few days were going to be rough…

Connor didn’t realize just exactly how hard it would be until he got Evan’s first text. It was just at lunch time when Connor knew that Evan would be sitting down with Jared. 

Evan: Where are you?

Connor wanted to respond so badly but something inside him told him not to. He had to cut all ties. This was the best for Evan. Evan didn’t need Connor, no matter how much Connor wanted Evan. If Connor cut ties eventually Evan would go back to his normal life and all these problems would go away. 

Things only got harder as more texts came in. 

Tuesday :   
Evan(9:34): I don’t see you here, are you skipping again?  
Evan: That’s fine it’s just I want to know where you are 

It made Connor’s heart swell to know that Evan actually wanted to know where he was, that he cared enough to send a note. 

Evan(11:45): You still aren’t here. I guess you’re skipping   
Evan: Are you mad at me?   
Evan: I’m really sorry

This made Connor want to cry. He had to respond to that. He had to tell Evan that he was fine, that there was nothing wrong with Evan, that it was all his fault. He needed Evan to know that he was the best thing in Connor’s life. 

Evan(10:14): Goodnight, I hope you’re ok

Connor hoped that Evan was ok too. 

Wednesday:   
Evan(8:47): I don’t think you’ll come today   
Evan: Jared keeps making jokes about how he thinks you…  
Evan: Please be ok…

Evan was really genuinely worried for Connor. Connor didn’t know if he could handle this. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to send him a little note-NO, Connor needed to cut all ties. Evan would realize very soon that Connor was useless, Evan would move on soon. 

Evan(12:05): It’s lunch again, Jared had to go take a test, I’m all alone.   
Evan: Zoe came and talked to me, she says you won’t leave your room   
Evan: Did I do something?   
Evan: Please just respond

Connor couldn’t believe that Zoe was really doing this. She was trying to drive away his soulmate. That was low even for her. Connor didn’t want to think about what she could have said to Evan. She could have talked about his explosive episodes. About how her hurt her. 

Connor threw his phone across his room and curled up on his bed. He was a terrible person. He could never be with Evan, what if Evan hated him just as much as Zoe did? What if he hurt Evan? Connor wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did that. 

He was broken out of his thoughts by his phone buzzing. He got up and walked to it. 

Evan: Really, I need to make sure you’re ok. Zoe seemed worried.   
Evan: Connor, Zoe really cares about you...she just doesn’t know how to say it   
Evan: I really care about you 

Those were the messages he really needed to see, Evan was too good. 

Thursday: 

Finally Connor decided that it was time for a shower. He slipped out of his room and into the shower in the early hours of the morning. 

The hot water running down his body helped to clear his head. He tugged his fingers through his hair, trying to pull of the tangles out. Steam blurred his vision, not that he was looking at anything in particularly. His fingernails scrape against his skin as he rubs soap across his body. The world is silent for a few moments. Connor’s mind isn’t spinning with all of this thoughts. Everything is still and Connor hopes the world can stay like that forever. 

A tune begins to vibrate in his vocal chords, spilling up from his soul. Connor isn’t one for singing though he has been told that he can sing rather well. But this moment is away from the real world so he might as well sing.   
It starts out as just a slight hum then it transitions into a soft whisper of words, finally Connor is fully singing, in the shower, early in the morning. Most would assume that he would sing some FOB, MCR or the likes, but instead he had opted for Singing In The Rain the title song from one of his favorite musicals. 

But eventually the water begins to run cold and the real world is calling for Connor, so he steps out of the shower and dries his hair then wraps the towel around his waist. Then he checks his phone and sees something that almost makes him go straight to school. 

Evan(6:00): I’m just assuming that you’re skipping school. That’s fine, you don’t need to be at school, but please talk to me, something. I really miss you. 

Evan(8:57): Jared is sick today, I’m going to be all alone…

That did it, Connor was out the door and in his car. Sure he wasn’t actually going to school but he couldn’t stand to be in the house anymore. He finds himself at the library which just happens to be right behind the school. 

Evan(12:13): I know it’s not your problem but I kind of had to lock myself into the bathroom. People kept asking about us and I just didn’t know what to say, I’m so sorry. I’m such a lousy soulmate. 

Of course Connor had decided to do this. He wasn’t doing the right thing. He was abandoning his friend so he didn’t have to deal with the staring. Nothing he ever did was for the right reasons. But still, he couldn’t face Evan now, he was too afraid. 

Friday:   
Evan(3:00): I’m going to Jared’s house so I won’t be bugging you tonight…

Jared. Jared Kleinman. Jared Kleinman would have sweet, innocent Evan Hansen at his house for more that twelve hours. Jared Kleinman who wanted Evan. Jared Kleinman who Connor was going to punch in the face. 

Screw the stupid rule. Connor wanted Evan and Jared sure as hell wasn’t going to have him.


	9. Chapter 9: Evan's Mistake

Evan never really enjoyed his time at Jareds. Jared tended to leave Evan out of everything. He would play videogames by himself and Evan would just watch. Not that Evan really minded, he was no good at video games. But this time Jared had given Evan a controler, he had had Evan sit right next to him on the couch, unlike his normal spot on the floor, and he was actually helping Evan instead of just complaining about how bad he was. 

But it didn’t take long until Jared got annoyed and paused the game. But instead of yelling he just turned to Evan. 

“No offense, but you kinda suck,” Jared chuckled. Evan bit his lip and looked down.

“Since when do you care about offending me?” Jared was at a loss for words for a moment before he grabbed Evan’s hand and pulled him towards himself, ‘Wh-what are you doing,” 

Evan yelped as Jared pulled Evan onto his lap. Evan squirmed slightly, trying to get away from Jared, thinking he’d said something and now Jared was going to strangle him. Instead Jared brought his hands around in front of Evan and held Evan’s hands between his own and the controller. 

“I can’t play properly unless my player two knows how so I’m going to teach you.” Evan blinked slightly, this made sense. So he let himself relax slightly and listened to Jared’s instructions. 

They sat for this for a good fifteen minutes before Jared’s mother called up the stairs, “Jared honey, your other friend is here,” 

Evan turned to looked back at Jared, other friend? Jared just shrugged and both of them looked at the door expectantly. 

The door opened to reveal Connor Murphy. Evan felt himself light up slightly. 

“Con-” He was cut off as Connor stormed over and yanked Evan up to a standing position. Connor pulled Evan into a hug, Evan stood very stiffly in Connor’s arms, he was very confused by the whole situation. 

“You stay the hell away from my soulmate,” Evan couldn’t see anything since he was pressed into Connor’s chest but he could tell that Connor was glaring at Jared. Suddenly all of the hurt and resentment that Evan had been feeling in Connor’s absence bubbled up. He shoved Connor away and took several steps back. 

“What gives you the right to decide who I spend time with? I don’t care if you’re supposed to be my soulmate or whatever! You’ve been terrible to me since the first day I met you. You’ve been ignoring me for almost a week. You’ve just left me to deal with all the crap at school after everyone found out. You’re such a jerk and you think you have the right to tell me what to do? You think you can just pull me away from all of my friends and never talk to me? You’re just a selfish a**hole who thinks he can get whatever he wants by force!” 

Connor stared at Evan with something that looked scarily close to hurt on this face, “All Jared wants is to get inside your pants Evan. I’m just trying to look out for you,” 

Evan lifted his good hand up and pressed it against the side of his head, pressing his eyes shut and trying to possibly calm himself down. 

“Looks like you two have something in common then- Oh don’t give me that look! Why else would you be hanging around me all the time it’s not like...It’s not like you,” Evan’s anger had devolved to sadness. He fell back on the couch and wiped tears from his eyes, “It’s not like you care about me anyway,” 

Connor tried to reach out to Evan but Evan just glared up at him and whispered out a few final words, “I hate you!” 

Connor turned and walked out of the house. Evan was left with a very uncomfortable Jared who couldn’t even find a way to make a joke out of the situation. That’s that Evan needed, he needed Jared to say something stupid that would make him laugh in spite of himself. Instead Jared reached over and pulled Evan into a hug. 

“I’m glad you can finally see how bad he is for you,” As Jared said this he leaned in and softly pressed his lips over Evan’s. Evan was frozen for a moment but quickly pushed him away. 

“C-Connor was r-right! You-you- you just! No! What did I do?,” Jared tried to force out some sort of explanation but Evan was already out the door. 

Evan thought that there might be half a chance her could catch up to Connor and apologize to him. But unfortunately as soon as Evan stepped out the door he saw Connor’s car turning the corner. It was too late, all Evan could do was go home and hope Connor answered his calls.


	10. Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me!!! I forgot to update I'll give you two chapters to make up for it 
> 
> ***Trigger warning for suicide mention, suicidal thoughts 
> 
> I will have a summary of the chapter in the notes at the bottom if you want to skip it, there's not really anything important in it.

***TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide mention 

Connor had never hated himself more. Not after he hit Zoe during one of his outbursts, not when he destroyed his own room, not even when he told his mother to go kill herself. This was the lowest Connor had ever been. He’d taken a sweet innocent kid and pushed him until he was just as bad as Connor. Connor had destroyed Evan. No wonder Evan hated him. No one would ever love him, let alone Evan. 

So Connor got in his car in a daze and drove home. A plan began to form in his mind. This had been a sign, not that Connor really believed in all that crap but it was obvious what he needed to do next. He’d made everyone hate him so no one would care if he was gone. All that was left to do was go. 

Connor thought about what he could do but everything he thought of was too painful or too long. He needed something that would work and work fast. Something that wouldn’t give anyone a chance to save him. He needed to steal his dad’s gun. That was the only way that he could make sure he succeeded, that he didn’t become more of a burden to the rest of his family. 

It was eerily quiet when he got home but what was more unnerving was the eerie quiet in his own head. Normally when he made plans like this his mind was racing and he was feeling every emotion at once, but now it was just calm. He had made a decision and that’s all it was. So Connor walked up to his room to set his things down before it was time to go. 

That was when he saw the texts. Evan had sent him countless messages and called him six times. Evan was trying to reach out to him. Evan wasn’t really angry. Evan was just like him. He bottled up his emotions until they spilled out. Connor hadn’t done anything but finally see a few of Evan’s faults. Connor still wasn’t alone. If he did this he would hurt Evan so much. 

So instead of finally doing something, Connor just lay in his room and cried. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wept over his dead relationships. Mourned for the people he’d lost. Cried at the idea that the easiest option was no longer an option. A cry for the loss of a way out. 

That’s where Zoe found him, in the middle of his room, tears streaming down his face and phone buzzing with yet another call from Evan Hansen. Zoe bent down next to Connor and gently took his hand. While it was true that she disliked, even feared Connor, she still loved him. 

“Con, you have to tell me what’s wrong. Maybe not me, but you have to tell someone,” To Zoe’s great surprise Connor sat up and pulled Zoe into a hug. Then he began to tell her the story. About how he’d met his soulmate and about how happy it had made him and about how much he had screwed it up. Zoe sat and listened to the whole thing, finally understanding just a little bit about her brother. The distance between them got a little bit smaller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets really upset, he feels like he's ruined Evan, pushed him to the edge. So he makes a plan, a bad terrible plan that no one should ever do. 
> 
> But he gets home and sees all the calls and text Evan sent and he realizes that he's not alone and his actions have consequences. So he just sits in his room and cries. 
> 
> Zoe finds him like this and asks him to open up, if not to her than to someone else. So he opens up to her, he tells her everything. The distance between them grows a bit smaller.


	11. Evan gives Connor an out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me please

Evan didn’t know what to do. He’d messed everything up and now Connor wouldn’t answer any of this calls or texts. He was probably just happy that he wouldn’t have to deal with Evan anymore. That must have been it. He was only hanging around Evan because he felt like he had to. Evan was just so pathetic that he had guilted Connor into pretending to care about him. 

He couldn’t do that anymore. He had to make sure Connor knew that he didn’t owe Evan anything. Connor deserved the world and he had gotten stuck with Evan. Evan needed to give Connor an out. 

As this thought crossed through Evan’s mind he remembered that he had the perfect out in the form of a family friend. Jared, Jared seemed to like Evan for some reason, and Evan didn’t mind Jared. So if Evan was with Jared Connor wouldn’t feel guilty. It was perfect. 

That’s how Evan found himself back on Jared’s doorstep. He knocked on the door and watched as it swung open to reveal Jared. Jared looked like he had been crying, Evan didn’t think he had ever seen Jared cry, now not only was he crying but it was Evan’s fault. But that was fine because Evan was going to make Jared happy again and in the process he would be able to free Connor. Everything would be fine, Evan was sure of it. 

“E-Evan!” Jared sounded afraid, like he thought Evan was going to yell at him. It was only a few seconds before he snapped back to his sarcastic attitude, “What, your stoner boyfriend still mad at you,” 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Evan wasn’t breaking eye contact with Jared, his face was void of expression, that was most likely because he just felt numb inside. That was when he stepped forward and took Jared’s face in his hands. He leaned down and connected their lips. Jared reacted immediately, he wrapped his arms around Evan’s waist and pulled him closer. The two boy’s bodies were pressed together, their lips moving together, still Evan felt nothing. He had to remind himself that he was doing this for Connor’s sake. So that Connor could be free from him. 

Evan hated himself as Jared closed the door and lead Evan up to his room, hated himself as Jared pushed him against the wall, hated himself every single time their lips touched. All he could do was think of Connor, his soulmate that tried to protect him, that was so kind to him, that was so broken, the boy that Evan had hurt. He thought about the time they had spent together on the date even as Jared’s hands roamed up under his shirt. 

The two were forced away from each other by Evan’s phone ringing. Evan looked over at Jared before checking to see who was calling. Jared was beaming, his hair was slightly disheveled, at some point Evan must have run his fingers through it. That had to be a sign he was doing the right thing, how happy it was making Jared. Then he looked at his phone and he felt his heart drop. Connor was calling. Again he was pulling Connor back into his screwed up world with how pathetic he was. He silently lifted the phone up so Jared could see who had called. 

“I thought you said you two weren’t together,” Jared’s face started to fall. Evan shook his head. 

“No, no we aren’t,” 

“In that case,” Jared grabbed the phone and answered. Connor’s voice came through and Evan wanted to cry. 

“Evan! It’s ok, I’m fine. I’m so sorry I just-” 

“Stop calling MY boyfriend,” Jared spoke smugly through the receiver then ended the call and leaned towards Evan. 

“Where were we?” 

Evan thought, "Hell"


	12. Connor's Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Violence!!1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so much feedback on the last few chapters I decided to update early

Connor hadn’t expected the first day back at school to be anything but horrible. He’d ruined the only good thing in his life and now the person who was supposed to love him no matter what, hated him. Not that he was surprised. No one could ever love him, not even his soulmate. 

That didn’t stop anger from filling his chest when he saw Jared Kleinman with his arm around Evan. Connor still couldn’t believe that they were actually together. It was even harder to believe when Evan shied away from Jared constantly. Every time Jared would touch him, Evan would flinch. He looked even more anxious than usual, and that was a feat. All of these signs are what lead Connor to make a very poor choice. 

The last bell of the day rang and Connor found himself storming through the halls. People scurried out of his way with fear in their eyes. This only served to anger Connor further. Before long he was reaching his intended destination. He could see Jared up ahead of him. He watched as Jared leaned in to kiss Evan. He watched disgust flicker through Evan’s eyes before he closed them and forced himself to lean in. If anything was going to ensure Connor did what he was about to do, it was this. As he approached the two he grabbed Jared’s arm and yanked him away. Jared attempted to struggle and Connor stopped. 

“Struggle and I break your arm,” The fire in Connor’s eyes must have at least slightly frightened Jared as he stopped struggling. Connor pulled him out back to the school and then shoved him to the ground. 

“I have a boyfriend you know,” Jared snickered and smirked at Connor, he realized this was the wrong thing to do pretty quickly. Connor, reacting in a blinding red hot anger, banged Jared’s face against the wall. Jared crumpled and turned to face Connor, his eyes shone with fear and Connor began to realize what he was doing. Jared’s nose was bleeding, there was a cut on his forehead and a bruise was forming. But Connor didn’t care anymore. This one time, he was not only going to let his anger get the best of him, he was going to actively allow it. 

Connor grabbed the front of Jared’s shirt and pulled him up. He held his fist back ready to hurt Jared in any way he possibly could. 

‘What the fuck did you do to Evan,” His voice didn’t come out in a shout, it came out in a low hiss that was more terrifying. Connor was no longer in control of his body, he was watching from the outside and he wanted to stop everything. If this ghost of himself floating outside of his body could have killed his body, it would have. 

“I didn’t do anything. He just picked me instead of you. God this is why he left you in the first place, you controlling freak.” Jared spit blood at Connor and struggled to free himself. Connor pressed his arm against Jared’s chest, pinning him to the wall harder. He was about to unleash all of his fury when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The touch was soft and familiar and it brought his mind back into his body. He felt safe for a moment then the touch disappeared. 

Connor realized that the touch was Evan after said boy crossed in front of him and tried to support Jared. He looked up at Connor but his eyes weren’t full of fear or hatred, they were full of pity. Connor didn’t deserve it. He felt all of his emotions build up and he brought his hands up, balled in fists and hit himself in the head. He began to openly weep and fell to the ground. He was a mess. He was muttering apologies to Evan and Jared and anyone else who he had wronged. 

Then that soft touch returned and he was pulled back to the world. The storm of emotions that had been crashing over his lifeboat was suddenly calmed. He looked up and was met with soft brown eyes. Evan was still supporting Jared who was hiding behind him and flinching every time Connor moved. 

“What did I do?” Connor’s voice was hoarse and weak, it didn’t sound like him and he hated it. 

Evan shook his head slightly and looked very confused, “You’re free now. You can have anyone you want instead of this mess of broken parts I am,” Evan's voice shook and he looked away from Connor. This sent a shock of energy through Connor he sat up and leaned forward. 

“I don’t want anyone else, I want you, I love you,” then his lips were on Evan’s and it was soft and it felt like home and Connor was finally calm for once in his life. But Evan pulled away, his expression was unreadable but he stumbled backwards into Jared. Connor understood, Evan didn’t have to say anything, that gesture was enough. 

“Take your fucking boyfriend to the hospital or whatever, I don’t fucking care,” Connor stood and almost ran to his car. 

He sat in the driver’s seat and stared out the front window. He wouldn’t be in any state to drive anytime soon. He’d learned that when he was sixteen and Zoe had gotten angry at him for taking one of her books and called him a freak and he had totaled his car. Connor watched as Evan helped Jared into Jared’s car and shakily sat behind the wheel. Evan didn’t drive, Connor knew this but it looked like he was putting aside his fears for Jared, the man he loved, who wasn’t Connor. 

Connor should have known this would happen. It happened, people’s soulmates chose other people, of course Connor would be one of those unlucky few. Nothing ever went right in Connor’s life so why would this? 

The passenger side door opened and Connor looked over to see Zoe slide into the car. 

“Why are you here so late?” Connor spat at Zoe, flinching at his own tone. He didn’t want this, he didn’t have the energy for another fight. 

“Jazz band practice. Connor, what happened?” So for the second time that week Connor found himself telling Zoe everything. When he was done Zoe peacefully looked forward and sighed slightly, “Guess I’m going to have to kill Hansen,” 

Connor’s eyes widened at Zoe’s comment then he found himself laughing. Zoe laughed along with him and Connor was able to drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can interact with me on tumblr @autisticauthorgabs


	13. All Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning suicide mention!!!
> 
> **Trigger warning Blood mention!!!
> 
> *Trigger warning mild violence

The hospital room was quiet. Jared refused to look at Evan, his eyes were trained on the floor. Evan was pacing back and forth despite Jared being the one that was hurt. The gash on Jared’s head had needed three stitches. It had been a very uneventful procedure, well it would have been if Evan hadn’t have fainted. 

Evan chewed nervously at his fingernails as he paced, mentally going through the events of the last few hours. Evan didn’t know what to think. Connor loved him, at least he said he did. Then Connor had kissed him. Evan had made the wrong choice. Evan had messed up. Then he made it even worse and Connor ran away. Everything was so wrong. Evan wanted to cry. As soon as he got out of this horrible hospital he would be able to see Connor and tell him everything. 

But what was everything? What was Evan supposed to say? “Sorry I started dating someone that wasn’t you, my soulmate. I just thought that you didn’t want me. But now it’s ok because I know you love me and I might possibly love you,” Yeah, Evan couldn’t say anything until he sorted out his feelings. 

Unfortunately there was still one detail that Evan had forgotten about a detail that had just cleared his throat. Evan jumped and stopped pacing, he turned to Jared slowly. 

Jared was still studying his hands, “Evan,” Evan nodded then remembered that Jared was looking down and made a slight noise so show he was listing, “Do you love him,” 

Evan didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. He didn’t know. The parts of him still buzzing from the kiss screamed for him to say yes, but his mind was whispering doubt throughout his body. The doubt, though much softer than the insistence of love, won out. But Jared seemed to take his silence as an admission of guilt. His face twisted up into a snarl and Evan was ready for him to scream, hit him, some kind of action of anger that he deserved for the terrible thing he had done. But none of that came. 

Instead Jared’s face crumpled and he brought his fists up to hs eyes to wipe away tears, “How could you do it Evan? You kn-knew how I f-felt and you just, you let me do this. Oh God!” Jared’s eyes widened and he looked up at Evan, “I sexually assaulted you! How could you let me why would you? God!” 

Evan rushed forward. He tried to take Jared’s hands into his own but they were yanked away, “N-no you didn’t- we didn’t- we didn’t do anything sexual though so you didn’t really!” 

Evan was grasping at straws. Sure they might not have done anything that would really be considered sexual but there had been quite a bit of intimate touching and many kisses that Evan had definitely not wanted. Jared understood this and he shook his head, jerked it back and forth as he stared at his hands in horror. Evan could only imagine what was going through his head. 

Jared looked back up at Evan and the snarl was back, “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! GET BACK TO YOUR fucking boyfriend…” Jared’s voice lost it’s venom and cracked near the end. He looked so broken, Evan couldn’t leave him like this. Though he was shaking, he met Jared’s glare. 

“I’m not leaving,” that was what he meant to say but it came out as a jumbled mess of those syllables all stuttered out. But after dealing with Evan with so long Jared could understand him. He shook his head slightly but didn’t protest. 

That was the moment when Evan wished that maybe Jared had been his soulmate. If that had been Connor he most likely would have screamed at Evan to stop stuttering. Sure Jared was kind of a jerk but he was Evan’s closest friend, probably not anymore, he had been Evan’s closest friend. 

Evan sat shaking in a chair in the corner of the room until Jared’s moms arrived. Then he slipped out as Jared’s mothers fretted at him. He saw Jared give him one slightly broken glare as he exited the room. It broke his heart a little, but he had other things to do, other messes to clean up. 

Evan found himself walking in the nice part of town in the middle of the night. Evan remembered that since it was the first monday of the month the Murphy parents would have just left for one of their monthly trips. That gave him less anxiety as he approached the door and was ready to knock. 

To his great relief/dismay, he didn’t have to. The door swung open and he was met with the face of Zoe Murphy. Except it wasn’t a face he had seen before, which was surprising considering how much time he spent stari-observing Zoe at school. This was a face of pure anger. Evan only had seconds to register that Connor must have told Zoe what happened before he was smacked across the face. He fell to his hands and knees. 

‘I would say there’s been too much violence today but look it’s tuesday’ Evan thought dazedly as he peered down at his watch. He looked up at Zoe with a blank expression. She sneered at him. 

“You aren’t even going to say anything you pig!” Evan blinked several times then looked at his hands. He shouldn’t have come here, she was right. He wasn’t good enough for Connor, he understood now. He thought he’d found a way for all of them to be happy. But there was really only one way. It just didn’t involve him happy. That was fine, he didn’t need to be happy. 

So he stood up slowly and apologized to Zoe, he admitted that he was a terrible person and he turned away and began to walk out into the night. He had a new destination. 

 

Evan glanced for a few moments at the branch that had broken the first time he had climbed this tree. He remembered hanging, and he remembered letting go. The branch breaking bust have been a sign. Unfortunately Evan had misinterpreted it, it was a sign to climb higher before he let go. So Evan haved himself farther and farther until he could no longer see the texture of the grass, it was just a green mass. 

Evan looked out over the park. He had loved working here as a ranger. He wondered if one of the rangers would find him. Probably not, the only surveyed this area every three days since most people didn’t come out here. With Evan’s luck they had just surveyed so his body would be here for quite a while before it was found. Evan let out a sigh. That really wasn’t a problem anymore. Not his problem anyway. The only problem up in the tree was Evan himself. Evna didn’t hold any problems, he was a problem in himself. 

His eyes fluttered closed after one last look at the slight outlines of the trees, ‘it’s such a nice night to die’ Evan was about to shift forward when he heard a slight noise. He looked down and saw a blurry dot at the bottom of the tree. 

“Pretty predictable Hansen!” It was Jared. Jared was at the bottom of the tree. It couldn’t have been real, just his fear(no surprise it would manifest as Jared) trying to talk him down, “Get down here you idiot, you aren’t jumping. At least not until I get an apology,” 

Evan was having a bit more trouble convincing himself Jared wasn’t real as Jared hurled insults at him and demanded for an apology. So Evan began to climb down, he heard Jared say something softly along the lines of ‘finally’. Evan did not feel very comforted in Jared’s presence but Jared was right, he wasn’t about to jump right in front of him. He’d already done enough to Jared without forcing him to witness Evan’s death. 

Once he was finally on solid ground Evan brushed himself off and looked up at Jared, “How did you know,” Jared just shook his head and motioned for Evan to follow him. The two walked back to Jared’s car in silence. 

“Should you be driving, I mean your head,” Jared chuckled darkly while putting his hand on Evan’s seat and leaning to look and back the car up. 

“Out of the two of us my head is definitely in the better state.” Evan went silent after that. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that Jared broke the silence, “I knew about what happened this summer.” Evan picked at his cast nervously and claimed not to know what Jared was talking about.

“Haha very funny. I knew you didn’t fall you ass,” Evan gulped, ready to ramble out an explanation but Jared continued, “I mean it was obvious, you were always kind of screwed up then I come back and you have some bull shit story about how you ‘fell out of a tree’ Evan you’ve never fallen out of a tree in your life, but you have tried to kill yourself,” 

This time Evan did protest, “No! That was the first-” 

“Hell, Hansen! How stupid do you think I am. That time freshman year when I showed up to your house and you were fast asleep with you pill bottle next to you. What did you do? Take fucking four pills! That wasn’t going to kill you and you knew it, you just needed the sentiment. But did I say anything? No! I thought ‘if he isn’t going to say something it’s probably not a big deal’ you know why Ev? It’s cause I’m an insensitive, self centered dick that never thinks about consequences. But this time I am saying something. As soon as we get back both of us are going to tell Heidi about this and you are going to face up to all the shit you’ve pulled and you are going to get some fucking help. I don’t care that you totally dicked me over, you need help.” 

Evan wanted to protest, to say something to prove that involving his mother was unnecessary. But he couldn’t because it wouldn’t be true. He needed help and he was too tired to fight that truth. 

“I really love you Ev. I’m sorry but I do. I know that doesn’t mean anything because you have your soulmate or whatever but I honestly do. I just want you to know that you have options ok Ev?” Evan froze slightly before nodding and shifting to lean against the window. He pulled his feet up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He let himself drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second to last chapter then I will be starting a sequel so look forward to that.


	14. Long night-er day I suppose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts, discussions of mental hospitals.

Soft hands were shaking Evan awake. His eyes fluttered open then slowly adjusted to the bright light. Evan slowly took in his surroundings. He was in Jared’s car, Jared was hovering over him and one of his hands were at Evan’s sides, gently bringing Evan back to the conscious world. Jared had a soft smile on his face, it was an expression Evan had never seen before, but then it was gone as soon as Jared realized Evan was awake, replaced with a ridged expression. 

“We have to go in, your mom’s home Evan. We’re going to talk to her, are you ready,” Evan looked up at Jared for a few seconds before burying his head in his arms and mumbling something, “What was that Ev?” 

“Five more minutes,” Evan grumbled again, this time lifting his head slightly. Jared chuckled darkly and grabbed ahold of Evan’s arm, pulling him out of the car. Evan followed behind Jared silently. His heart raced in his chest but the point where Jared’s hand clutched his arm seemed to radiate some form of comfort. Evan almost cried when Jared dropped his arm as they stepped into the entryway. 

It looked like Heidi had been pacing around the living room, she was obviously distressed, guilt slushed around like acid in Evan’s stomach. This was all his fault. He should have just jumped. 

“Mrs. Hansen! I have one pale, scrawny, very anxious boy right here for you,” Heidi looked up and instantly rushed over to Evan, she took Evan’s face in her hands and examined him as if she would be able to see the story of where he had been written on his forehead, “Heidi, we have something we need to talk about. Evan, tell her why you were late?”

Heidi looked between the two boys and stepped back. She crossed her arms and frowned slightly, waiting for Evan to begin. Evan looked first at Jared who had a pained but supportive look, then at his mother again before he burst into tears. He took a few steps forward and fell into Heidi’s arms. Heidi held him up quite well for being at least fifty pounds lighter than him and nearly a head shorter. 

“Mom, I’m not ok,” Evan couldn’t even control the words that tumbled out of his lips. He told her everything somehow. He talked about how he’d felt in the summer the first time he’d climbed the tree. Then he told her about how he hadn’t been getting better and he told her all about Connor being his soulmate. He admitted to both Jared and his mother why he’d done that horrible thing to Jared. That might have been the only point when Heidi genuinely looked disappointed, that was also the point where Evan fell to the floor and began sob into his knees. 

Then it was over, and everything was quiet, save Evan’s uneven breathing, and Evan was afraid. 

“Evan?” Heidi said after a pregnant pause. Evan looked up at her and shuddered slightly at her concerned and warm gaze. He didn’t deserve such a good mother, he didn’t deserve anything. He didn’t deserve to be alive. Hesitantly, he nodded while still looking up at her, “Sweetie, we’re going to get you help. I know you don’t want it but I’m going to take you to a hospital and I’m going to take a few days off-” 

“No,” Evan was now on his feet. He took his mother’s hands and looked into her eyes imploringly, “You can’t take days off. Mom I can’t do that to our family please. Unless you need days off cause that’s fineandidon’twantyoutogettootiredorsomething-”

Heidi cut Evan off with a nod, “Sweetie, go upstairs with Jared and get yourself some clothes. I’m going to find the best hospital for you ok?” Evan’s mother was talking to him like one would a child or scared animal and Evan couldn’t really find it in himself to disagree with this approach. He turned and began to walk up the stairs to his room. 

Jared and Evan only talked once while they packed, when Jared told him he couldn’t bring a hoodie because they would take out the strings. Evan just shrugged and pulled out the stings, stating that they bothered him anyways. Jared called him a monster(hopefully playfully) then refused to look at him the rest of the time. 

Evan found himself thinking that he couldn’t lose Jared. Jared was a person Evan couldn’t not have in his life. He hoped Jared would visit him, if he could. As the two walked down the stairs it hit Evan for the first time, this was going to be a long night-er day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter. Many people have been confused since so many things are still not settled. You're all right, this isn't the end. I will be continuing this in a sequel that I will post a link to in one extra chapter. the sequel will reveal the final ship in the tags so you can look forward to that. No clue when I will be able to get the first chapter up but it will be soon.


End file.
